God forgives, why can’t we?

Forgiveness… for me that’s such a hard pill to swallow.

About 3 years ago, someone hurt a special person in my life, which resulted in hurting many others. To this day, I resent this person.

I don’t know why but hurting someone I love hurts me more than anything.

Why should I sit here and hold a grudge? This event occurred years ago and I’m sitting here being petty. I’m hurting myself by staying angry.

God forgave us, when we didn’t deserve it. So we have to forgive others.

In Ephesians 4 verse 32, the Bible says “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ Jesus forgave you.”

I sin all the time, 24/7, even when I try to be the best possible Christian ever. But God continues to forgive me daily; for gossiping, cursing, (I hate to admit it, but sometimes I have a mouth like a sailor), lying and so much more.

I’m not perfect in anyway possible and God looks down upon me and says “I forgive you.”

Some people forget the most important thing about forgiveness in the Bible, in Matthew 6 verse 15 the Bible says “But if you do not forgive others sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

In order for God to forgive me, I have to forgive others.

Wow, I’ve read this verse many many times but never really put it into perspective, and brutal honestly that may be because I’ve never really dug into the Bible like I have been lately.

I’ve been in such a fog lately, everything has been okay in my life but something just didn’t feel quite right. I believe that I haven’t been “content” with my life because I’ve been so angry underneath everything.

I’m letting go and letting God take control.

The reason forgiveness is on my heart is because I went and saw “I can only imagine” last night. If you haven’t seen it, you definitely have to! It will bring you to tears, (seriously, bring a box of Kleenex with you when you watch it). But for me, this movie really opened up my eyes.

My struggle with forgiveness will most likely be constant just like every other sin. But I️ know it’ll be so much easier since I’m letting go of all that unneeded resentment.

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My husband is deployed and yes, I’m okay.

This is my first deployment, so I wasn’t sure exactly what to expect. Everyone I knew gave me advice along the way(even though most of it was unsolicited), but I definitely wasn’t prepared for what I had coming my way.

I wasn’t prepared for the dreaded question “Are you okay?” or “Do you need me to do anything?”

Everywhere I went someone asked me if I was okay or if I️ needed something. I know they mean well. But I feel like everyone is waiting for me to crack at some point and let my emotions flow.

There’s a 100% chance that even if I’m not okay, I’m gonna look you straight in the eyes and say “Yes, I’m great.” So please, don’t ask me that because I will lie.

Those of you asking me if you can do anything for me, actually yes you can. Pray. Pray for Jacob. Pray for all the service members deployed right now. Pray for me. Pray for Jacob’s parents. Pray for all the military spouses and families who are going through a deployment right now too.

I’m dealing with this deployment the best I can and that’s all I really can do.

I was reading my daily devotional the other day, something stuck out to me- “The only constant in this military spouse life is change. But a comfort in the midst of this constantly changing life is the knowledge that God’s Love never fails.”

Yes, our lives get tossed and turned around all the time. But God’s Love is constant and never ending. The only reason I’m getting through this deployment is because of my faith.

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever.” -Psalms 136:1

Why having a little sister is a blessing

“Having a sister is like having a best friend you can’t get rid of. You know whatever you do, they’ll still be there.”

Zoey Lynn, also known as the biggest pain in my butt ever.

I have watched you grow from the minute you were born, to the sweet beautiful preteen you are today. I have loved every minute of it, even the times that I couldn’t stand you.

I hate to see you grow up, it’s so crazy to think that you’re a big middle schooler now. But I can’t wait to see who you will become. I have no doubt that you will do amazing things with your life and accomplish all your goals and dreams.

You have a heart of gold that shines on the inside and out. You are so smart, caring, funny, and bold. You amaze me so much with your artistic abilities.

Being the older sister has taught me to be patient and taught me to take the lead, I hope you learn from my mistakes. Whether you realize it or not, being an older sibling is very bittersweet.

It’s very different to be 8 years apart, right now I’m 19 and you’re 11. I’ve helped raise you, I’ve taken you to all your events, like cheerleading, art and church play practices. In a way, having you as a little sister has helped me grow into the woman I am today.

We may live 300 miles away from each other now, but just know I’m always here for you. I’m just a phone call away, I’ll race home if you need me for anything. I will always look forward to coming home and spending the weekends with you. I’ll always be you biggest cheerleader and support you in whatever you do. Love you so much, Zo. 💕

She may be gone, but my Grandma still shapes my world.

“I thought of you today, but that is nothing new. I thought about you yesterday and the days before that too. I think of you in silence, I often speak your name. All I have are memories and your picture in a frame. Your memory is a keepsake from which I’ll never part. God has you in his arms. I have you in my heart.”

The past couple days, I was having a hard time thinking of an subject to blog about. Then all of a sudden, I thought of you.

Mamaw Joda; such a beautiful, independent, intelligent woman.

This women was amazing in every way, granted I wasn’t even a year old when she passed away. I still feel like I know her.

In some situations, I am conflicted and I just think “What would Mamaw Joda do?” Sometimes I feel like she answers me. She gives me a simple little push in a certain way and then I find my way from there.

There are numerous occasions when I sit back and think about all the accomplishments or events she missed; my first steps, first day of kindergarten, cheerleading competitions, proms, graduations, my wedding, seeing my kids one day.

It hurts so much to know that she couldn’t make it to any of these events, but I know she is there in spirit and she’s watching over us.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t wish I could hug your neck and tell you how much you’re missed, or just have a simple conversation with you.

Thank you for raising my mom to be the most incredible mother ever. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t be where I am today. She is beautiful, selfless, and intelligent. You would definitely be proud of the woman she is today.

If you could see me today, I hope you would see a person you are proud of and someone that has grown into half the woman you were.

I can’t wait to see you again someday, but for now you’ll be in my heart.

Until we meet again, Mamaw Joda.

Finding true happiness.

I truly got swept up in the word of the Bible this week. My devotional has been on happiness. I just wanted to share a little of it with you.

I started this devotional Sunday because Jacob and I started talking about being happy. I was stressing about every little thing (mostly money… of course), and I plainly said “If I just had a money tree somewhere, I would be set for life and I would be so happy.” He just looked at me with a straight face and said “Money doesn’t buy happiness Mik. Money can’t fix everything for you.”

Well, let’s just say he put me a couple notches down on the totem pole. It really hit me hard, because he was right.

There is no amount of money, fame or power that can truly make us “happy.” I am continuing to search in the wrong places for happiness. I thought about all the happy people I know, they all have the same thing in common, a sense of peace with themselves and with others.

The world says happiness is all about what you have. That’s not true. But we have two different theories here,

Prosperity theory: Money fixes problems. Rich people are happy. If God cares about our happiness, then he must want us to be rich. But that’s the problem, all rich people aren’t happy. Some of them may be miserable.

Poverty theory: Simplicity eliminates problems. Poor people are happy. But that’s the problem, all poor people aren’t happy. Some of them may be miserable.

Abundant resources don’t guarantee lasting happiness and the simplicity of limited resources don’t guarantee lasting happiness. Jesus claims that both rich and poor can experience true happiness.

Happy people are poor in spirit.

Happy people acknowledge their need for God.

Happy people recognize that no matter what they have, they are nothing apart from the grace and mercy of God.

This happiness comes from understanding that the greatest needs in life will not be met by material things. The greatest need in life can only be met through the love and grace of God.

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:3‬ ‭NIV‬‬

You are beautiful.

Many of times I’ve caught myself looking at other women thinking “why can’t I be that skinny?” Or “wow she’s stunning, why can’t I be as pretty as her?” For a very long time, I’ve compared myself to everyone and all it’s done is really put me down.

Every girl has their own flaws. For example, I think Carrie Underwood is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. Like I’m sure I’ve said hundreds of times “if I could look like anyone, it would definitely be Carrie. She’s so beautiful.” And yes, she definitely is beautiful. But I’m sure Carrie looks at herself in the mirror and picks out numerous things that she wants to change about herself.

For instance, the movie Mean Girls, the 3 “Plastics” are standing in Regina George’s bedroom, they are each complaining about some part of their body:

“My hairline is so weird.”

“My pores are huge.”

“My nail beds suck.”

Watching that movie I laugh about how ridiculous they sound, but that’s the most accurate description of women ANY AGE. The “Plastics” in that movie are the popular ones, everyone is looking at them wanting to be just like them. Little does all the other girls know, they have flaws too. They aren’t perfect. No one is.

We feel the need criticize our bodies and cover up our unwanted features. We try to find that perfect mascara to make our eyelashes way too long, that perfect concealer to make people think we don’t even know what a break out is, or that perfect eye-shadow that makes people think we woke up with this “smokey-eye.”

I know if I go out of the house without any makeup, I will feel a big depletion in my self-worth.

But here is what I want you to remember… you are beautiful, you are loved and you are special. I don’t care who you are, what size you are, or what color your skin is. Please do not compare yourself to other women. God made each of us in a specific way for a specific reason.

If your soul is beautiful, then that will radiate brighter than any highlighter you could buy off the makeup shelf. Instead of seeking to find worth from your outward appearance, maybe it’s time we look inward.

“Whenever you feel unloved, unimportant or insecure, remember to whom you belong.

-Ephesians 2:19-22”

Stop holding that grudge. You’re being petty.

Let me just go ahead and tell you, I am the worst at holding grudges. You could have said something mean to me 3 or 4 years ago and I still remember. Whatever you said will constantly stick in my mind.

I’ve always battled with just letting go of my anger. Letting go of that kid in school that called me fat or ugly. Letting go of someone who told me I had a unibrow in 6th grade. I could keep going, that’s just an example of how ridiculous and petty it is.

I am 19 years old and I’ve finally came to my senses about my pettiness. Some people would say “wow, did you just call yourself petty?” Yes, I did. It’s so petty of myself to be like that.

The other day, I had a girl from high school (who was honestly my best friend) text me and try to be a friend but because of my anger, I reacted the wrong way. I was very rude and inconsiderate of her and her feelings.

She simply said “Hey Mik! I just wanted to check in on you, and I hope you’re doing good. I wanted to let you know that I’m always here if you want to talk!” Then me in my moody attitude said “Thank you.” Then she processed to say “I really miss you and enjoyed your friendship. I know we are miles apart but I want you to know that I’m always here for you!”

In that moment, I could have told her how I really felt, that I missed our friendship too and we should really get together sometime. But my anger got the worst of me, I was very unkind and reacted very irrational.

That’s the moment I realized how these grudges are hurting me a lot more than other people. I could have all these good friends but every time they text me I close them out because of something petty they did forever ago.

Sometimes it’s hard to let go, but holding onto that grudge isn’t going to change the fact that it happened. Come to terms with what happened. Realize it’s over with. That way, you can truly move on.

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

‭‭Ephesians‬ ‭4:32‬ ‭NIV‬‬

One thing after another…

So the past 2 days have been the definition of AWFUL.

Yesterday, someone rear ended Jacob and I coming back from Lowes. Then the man wouldn’t get out of the car to speak to us, granted he didn’t mess up our vehicle because he hit the jeep hit. But the fact that we tried to speak to him but he wouldn’t really pissed us off. He drove off like nothing happened.

Last night, Jacob drove my car to get his haircut before work this morning. He hit something which caused a rock to hit my windshield and well you know what that means…. HUGE CRACK down the front of it.

Then, the invasion of wasps continued. We have a ton of wasps in our house and I’m getting so frustrated with it, it’s been like that since day one. I went around the house to find where they were coming from and found a bunch of mold.

That’s right, I said mold. FREAKING MOLD.

The whole closet door that’s locked up with the air unit it in was completely covered in black mold. Then as I continued to walk around the house, I found 3 other places on the ceiling.

As soon as the maintenance office opened, we called them and informed them. I had a man come out 4 hours later and he tells me it’s just “mildew.”

It was obviously mold, because if you saw his eyes when he opened the door he was in total shock. But then looked at me and tried to reassure me that it wasn’t a big deal.

And on top of everything we have this hurricane coming right for us. I have went grocery shopping and called almost every store to try and get some bottled water. I cannot find water anywhere for the life of me.

I finally just bought a bunch of overpriced gatorades because I needed something to drink obviously.

After I go to all the trouble to find them, Jacob tells me he isn’t okay with me staying here so I leave to come home to Lincolnton, Friday morning. I’m hoping I don’t run into too much rain and traffic. But Jacob refuses to let me stay in Jacksonville. He said there was as no argument about it, and that I have no option.

All I can do is drive home, away from trouble and pray for all the families that are staying here in the madness.

So yes, my life has been completely awful but I’m coming home and getting away from this mess. And yes, you just read me complain a bunch. But in the end, I get to come home and I’m thankful I have somewhere safe to go.

This is your everyday life, you continue to complain about every little thing but then you realize how some people have it so much worse than you do. Reality hit me in the face while I was watching all the news about everyone else hit by Hurricane Irma so far. I have a chance to get out of harms way, so I’m beyond blessed.

On the other hand, Jacob will be staying here until the military allows him to evacuate. I’m worried sick about leaving him here, I just have to pray and trust God in the midst of all of this.

“The only way to worry about nothing is to pray about everything.”

stronger

“When the waves are taking you under, hold on just a little bit longer, he knows that this is gonna make you stronger.

The pain ain’t gonna last forever, things can only get better.”

Sometimes things never go right. Well that’s how it’s felt a lot lately.

When it comes to the military (and life in general) , you just have to hope for the best and expect the worst.

Lately I’ve been struggling to find a job, it’s hard to get a job that will accommodate with Jacob’s schedule. I just wanted a job that would allow me to work during the week and have my weekends off so I can spend them with my husband.

I waited wayyyyyy too long to get a job, I’m at the point of giving up… in December I start packing stuff up and putting stuff in storage to move back home while Jacob is gone. So now, I really don’t see the point in me even getting a job just to quit and leave to come home in December.

Every job I’ve applied for or tried to get has fallen through. Every Single One.

I continue to ask God “Why? I needed this job to keep myself busy and make some

friends.”

I’ve been feeling so helpless. I count on my husband too much to provide for me. I don’t want to be in a marriage where my husband has to do all the hard work.

I was suppose to get a babysitting job… I was super excited for it. Most of you that know me, you know my love for kids. The mom, just can’t quite afford it now and I can’t afford to do it for free.

Yesterday, I met Jacob’s mom half way from home because we forgot some stuff. On the way back to Jacksonville, I turned Mandisa on shuffle and this is the first song that played.

I truly believe this is God’s way to telling me to just trust him in the storm. Things will get better.

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